Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
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