I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
