Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
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