I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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