Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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