fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Randomize
