just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
How does it feel to date your dad?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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