I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
