Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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