Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
