I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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