You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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