yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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