i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
