I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
