I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
