No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
