My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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