I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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