Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
