Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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