the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
