You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
