Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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