oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
