I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
