Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
