Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
