I hate all girls vehemently.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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