I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
