I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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