you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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