im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
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