my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
