I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
