The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
