Don't make out with my wife yet
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
