$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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