well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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