your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
