I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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