his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
