I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
