Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
