Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
