Soap is not a condiment
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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