U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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