oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize