that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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