WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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