we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
