By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
