Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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