when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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