i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
