I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
