Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
