Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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