This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
