In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
