I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
