Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
