Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
