I cut my penus on the lid.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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