I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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