ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
