dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
