time to smoke my breakfast
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize