drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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