That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
