No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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