FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
