FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I could make wine with my vomit
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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