no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Randomize
