My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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