Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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