Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
