okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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