3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize