whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
